Marriage Spirituality Topical Index

Four part series on Marriage Spirituality prepared specifically for Lent

Part I - Are You Helping Your Spouse to Heaven?

Part II - Daughter of the King - Perspective on Our Spouse's Position Before God

Part III - Spousal Examination of Conscience - Getting On Track

Part IV - Lenten Commitments and Practical Beginnings - Learning to Pray With Your Spouse

- Marriage Spirituality Part IV - Lenten Commitments and Practical Beginnings

Often, we think of Lent as a period where we practice self-denial for a time and then we resume old habits and delights. We give up chocolate and then gleefully restore it to its rightful place (along with the return of a few pounds)! Another approach is to use this time to build habits of self-denial and self-sacrifice that we maintain for the remainder of our lives; a time where we can restore a small selfish area of our hearts into an area of self-giving and love to our spouses and to God. Have you considered using this powerful season to pursue the habit of praying together with your spouse?

Before we venture deeper into that delicate territory, I have an admission to make; I (Dan) really like to pray alone. Several of you have indicated the same preference. Because of this and other human factors, a few have also decided that this will always be the case in your marriage. However, if you have followed this series, you know that, in and through our call to be married, we are also responsible for, and should be compelled to, help our spouses to heaven. Of course, there are many ways to do this; we contend that one of the best and most rewarding ways is to build a habit of prayer together.

As couples lift their voices to heaven as one, they are growing in holiness and their willingness to bear one another’s burdens. As their intimacy grows, so does their ability to forgive each other’s faults, all the while supporting each other every step of the way. Sometimes one will fall back, but the other is there to encourage, forgive, pray, guide, drawing them back to their side along the straight and narrow path. It is often through the beautiful instrument of our spouse that God gives us the healing, support, and strength we need the most. And through it all, love deepens and grows from the original singular love of eros towards a more complete love…a love that increasingly becomes more Christ-like in depth, intensity, and commitment.

Assuming that the brave among you are still reading this, we understand that most couples, don't know how or where to begin this great adventure. As well, there are a few pitfalls that are easily avoided as you enter this realm of vulnerability. Human nature and spiritual forces will conspire against your noble commitment to serve your spouse in this way, but thankfully, there are simple ways you can overcome these challenges.

Fear: Regardless of the reason (pride, insecurity, past hurts, etc.), fear is usually the main barrier to spiritual intimacy. To mitigate this, your prayer time together must remain 100% safe 100% of the time. You would never argue or criticize your spouse in adoration; don't do it during your prayer time together. In the same vain, this is not a time of preaching, teaching, or correcting (i.e. “Dear Lord, please help my husband see how selfish he is…”). This is a time to share hopes, desires, struggles, joys, failings, and forgiveness with God. Be very careful to protect each other in this sacred space – especially when you are tired and struggling with life or each other. If you struggle too frequently and find the forgiveness topic too difficult to deal with, use a different venue (outside of prayer time) for these discussions.

Time: This one is often at the top of the excuse list, but don't let it be yours - it is very easy to deal with (house full of kids or no). Prayer together only takes a matter of minutes. If you believe differently, set your sights a bit lower and get a little more practical. If you can get up a few minutes earlier or go to bed a few minutes later, you can pray with your spouse. The key here is to make a realistic commitment - once a week - once a day - whatever it is, make it together before God and then resolve to make it work. Make this a life commitment, not just a Lenten commitment. Even if you fall 100 times, he is always ready to receive you back again. Never give up on God and his ability to transform or mature your marriage spirituality - he has never, and will never give up on you, or your marriage.

Method: If this is new for both of you it is important to do two things:

1. Decide who is going to lead. Community prayer, whether with two or fifty, always requires one person to lead and others to follow. Without this designation, you will find small matters of timing and synchronization to be odd and distracting. From here it is simple, if you are the leader, you always start and your spouse follows at the pace you set (don't ever rush each another or run ahead because of time - this is also an area that can cause frustration and unnecessary distractions).
   
2. Use a simple approach. We have included a simple prayer guide below that you can work your way into. Just start with either morning or evening prayer, and take it from there. If you don't like the wording, or if another sequence works better for you, change it, make it yours. Even better, decide together which prayers work for you and design your own guide. If you read through the prayers here, you will find that they take less than five minutes to say together. If you double that time to add the few minutes it takes to get together and quiet down, you are looking at ten minutes at the most. This should be a very easy start given a reset of the alarm clock and a tiny bit of self-discipline.

Before you begin, pray this prayer of commitment together.

Merciful Father, out of love and commitment to you and each other, we desire to pray together and to help each other to you. Please fill us with your Holy Spirit, and help us to pray, love, serve, and live as you desire. Help us to learn to pray and submit ourselves to you and to never waiver in our commitment to help each another to heaven. When we fall, please remind us to return back to you and to remember that you will, as you did the prodigal son, always receive us back with joy.

Spouses' Morning Prayer

Father all-powerful and ever-living God, we thank you and bless your holy Name, for you created man and woman to be a help and support for each other. Remember us today. Protect us, and enable our love to be the mutual gift of self in the image of Christ and the Church. Enable us to grow old together in joy and peace so we can always praise and thank you in our hearts through your Son, in the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Our Father - Hail Mary - Glory Be

Spouses’ Evening Prayer

Prepare for a moment by thinking back on your day (examination of conscience). What were the best moments? What were the worst moments?

In simple conversational prayer, talk with God as you would a good and holy father. With your spouse and God, thank Him for the highlights of your day and ask forgiveness for areas where you have fallen short of God’s best for you.

Our Father - Hail Mary - Glory Be

Visit this house, we beg you Lord, and banish from it the deadly power of the evil one. May your holy angels dwell here to keep us in peace, and may your blessing be always upon us. We ask this through Christ our Lord. Amen.

As you make this level of commitment, you will deepen your relationship with each other and with God fulfilling the ultimate purpose of your calling to marriage, to become ONE in Christ. May your journey be one of many returns to God, many discoveries of His grace, and a deeper relationship with your spouse than you could ever have imagined.

In Christ, Dan and Stephanie

- Marriage Spirituality Part III – Examination of Conscience

So, if you are back for more I think it is safe to assume that we agree that we are our spouses “keeper.” The challenge now, is where to start. The best place, once we understand that we have fallen short, is always the sacrament of reconciliation. We must have the grace of God provided in this sacrament to change the spiritual course of our marriage. But before you go to reconciliation, spend some time in prayer and, if possible, exploring this challenge with your spiritual director. Ask Mary and Joseph (the models of the perfect family) to pray for you, to help you see your shortcomings, pray for God’s light as you ask yourself a few tough examination questions:

• Have I neglected the spiritual care of my spouse?
• Have I allowed the busy-ness of life to crowd out my primary responsibility of caring for the spiritual needs of my spouse?
• Have I put my own needs and desires ahead of the spiritual needs of my spouse?
• Have I done anything that distracts my spouse from his/her spiritual desires? Have I failed to nurture the spiritual interests of my spouse?
• Have I allowed my own fears or feelings of inadequacy to hinder spiritual activities with my spouse (i.e. prayer together)?
  

The good news is that God will give you the grace and strength necessary to honor your marriage and either deepen your relationship as it stands, or to embark on a new spiritual journey together. If you have taken these posts seriously, you are well on your way to changing the spiritual course of your marriage. The next step is to explore how to make basic commitments and follow through on them. Be assured that God’s grace will be with you as you fight to bring Christ more fully into the center of your relationship.

In Christ, Dan and Stephanie

- Marriage Spirituality Part II – Daughter of the King

Though monarchies are rare these days, my wife is actually the daughter of a very wealthy King. One of the great benefits of this relationship is that he has expressed in no uncertain terms that he loves me and my family and that we will always be welcome in his care. The challenge is that he is also a very powerful King. Though he is benevolent and kind, I do live with an extra sense of caution regarding how I treat my wife. I know that her father is always aware of how his daughter is feeling about our relationship and my care for her.

In order to properly and consistently remind myself of who’s daughter I married, I often address her as “Daughter of the King” or “DOTK” for short (especially when we correspond via e-mail). This reminds her that I hold her in proper high esteem. It also reminds me that she is not just another woman, but that she is of noble stock and is worthy to be treated as such. Her Father, her lineage, the image of the King she bears in her person, and her lofty position with the King, helps me to be ever aware of the need to treat her like the princess she truly is.

As you might suspect, I am not speaking here of a meager earthly King, but of the great King of the Universe; the one who created and sustains all life, all matter, all being, heaven, and hell. Even more ominous is that this King – who truly does know my every thought, intent, and action toward my spouse, can effortlessly and at any moment withdraw the gift of life and bring me face to face with my final judgment.

Now, it is important to note that I love my wife deeply, and am highly motivated by that love; she is an incredible woman and obviously designed by God specifically for me. However, my higher motivation, the one that transcends all earthly and temporal impulse, is to honor the King of Kings; to conform every aspect of my life to Christ, who condescended to become man, lived a perfect life, suffered, and was crucified on my behalf.

Husband or wife, both are made in the image of God. Both, as St. Peter says, are of noble stock, “a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation..” The one whom God has entrusted each of us in marriage is a precious gift in God’s sight. The care of their souls is as serious a charge as one can ever receive in life. This most holy responsibility between man and woman must have as its foundation a total self-giving to one who is of royal lineage, and for whom the King has shed his own blood.

Do you see your spouse as a precious child of the King of Kings? Acquiring and living this vision of who we really are is the beginning of the necessary love and reverence required to launch us into the high calling of helping our spouses to heaven.

In Christ, Dan

- Marriage Spirituality Part I - Are you helping your spouse to heaven?

As a fitting subject for Valentines week, we will begin a series of posts on the topic of "Marriage Spirituality." Here's the first...

Are you helping your spouse to heaven?

When my wife and I were going through marriage preparation our mentor couple said something to us that we have never forgotten, "your primary role in marriage is to help one another to heaven." It was a striking comment that seems so obvious now but at that time, it was a completely new thought.

It's a funny thing - I don't think it is hard for responsible God-loving adults to have this thought about their kids. We instinctively know that God has placed these souls specifically and purposefully in our care. Even with the "Theology of the Body" informed understanding that marriage is fundamentally an act of the complete giving of oneself to another - this idea of specifically bearing responsibility for one another's spiritual growth and destiny was captivating to both of us.

The good news for us is that we started our relationship out on the right foot. When we began the discernment process for marriage we purposed to pray with one another regularly. Though we both instinctively wanted to do this, the idea was daunting because of the level of intimacy it required - the level of unique exposure that only prayer with someone whom you care about causes. Regardless of the initial discomfort, we set out on the course and have maintained it unwaveringly (yes, even after arguments). Our mutual spiritual commitments are in fact, the most powerful source of the strength of our marriage. It has carried us through a few very difficult periods and has resulted in Christ remaining at the center of our relationship even when he was not always in the center of our own hearts.

So, I leave you with this question. Are you specifically, purposefully, and regularly helping your spouse to heaven?

In Christ, Dan and Stephanie